It's 5am, the window is open next to my bed and it's cold, dark and lonely. I can see the stars twinkling in the black night sky, as a cool breeze washes across my face and I bundle up in my blanket and try to close my eyes and drift back to a deep and peaceful sleep. But I cannot, my mind is racing, thinking about adventure.
Since returning home from North America I have struggled to come to terms with staying put, a sedentary lifestyle reserved for those living 'normal lives'. I have become addicted to adventure, I crave it every day and I struggle when I am left in one place for too long (24 hours). It's an unusual thing to consider, but everyone has their certain quirks and until recently I never understood or appreciated my own. Of course I've contemplated why I do the things I do. Naturally when I'm out riding for weeks or months on my own, my mind drifts into some pretty amazing places and I begin to wonder what made me the way I am. However the last couple of months have been a 'roller coaster' of thoughts, emotions and experiences which I had not considered I would be faced with while back 'home' in Australia.
Recently my dilemma has been relationship based, and I think the fear or sharing what I do and the life that I live may have led to the demise of something so promising. A potential relationship with a friend who shared my dreams and passions, a person I admire and care about. She gave up so much, sacrificed a comfortable and happy life to throw caution to the wind and amazingly moved half way around the world with little to no hesitation. I was impressed, I couldn't believe this beautiful woman would be so adventurous. Unfortunately I made some poor life choices, and although honesty is always the best policy, sometimes confusion and bad timing can be detrimental to the delivery of it. I am fairly positive she will read this post. I am fairly sure she will be shaking her head in disappointment and maybe even shed a tear like I do at night when I feel the things I do because of my own resentment to not be able to properly control or communicate my feelings. But these are the mistakes we make in life, these are the lessons we learn and must take responsibility for, hoping that we continue to improve ourselves and to understand ourselves and life that little bit better each mistake we make.
I dont know what the future will hold, I anticipate that my time left in Australia will be brief and I am constantly working on opportunities to continue riding this Summer and next in North America, but the sand is pouring through the hour glass, my visa expires at the end of this year and if my application for permanent residency isn't granted in Canada, then all the work I have done on creating West Coast Wanderers the adventure tour company will be gone and I will begin searching for a new place to create the company and run tours in the future. Although I do love riding and taking photos' , I am beginning to fear I am not cut out for it full time or in the long term. My interests currently lie somewhere in between the two, making money writing adventure travel stories on a very sporadic level as well as improving my photography and sharing those pictures with the world of motorcycle riders while creating new tours to operate from a sort of home base would be ideal.
I have lost the original direction of the blog, it is early in the morning though and my mind is adrift, so for that I apologise. I did have the intention to share how I felt about returning back to Australia, what it feels like to crave adventure constantly. One of the shocks of being in this position is coming to terms with the fact you cant just share it with everyone. People are so busy, I havnt been able to plan a single multi day trip with any of my friends since returning to Australia. Life goes on, people get married, have kids and all the rest of it, but for some reason I had hoped upon my return I would be invited to make plans with old friends, visit their favourite spots, go away to holiday homes and boat trips and fish and be active. This wasn't the case, and initially it got me down. This was coupled with the huge amount of time and energy I exerted into my brothers own personal issues made it extremely difficult for me personally to remain highly active. I was put into a rapid downward spiral and I hit rock bottom very quickly, grasping for the adventure which I had left behind.
Since all of that happened and I made new relationships here in Australia I have turned it around the last few weeks, I have spent a lot more time focused on the things I love doing. Its an important lesson to never lose yourself in the journey of helping others. It's so important to be selfish sometimes and continue doing the things you love which make you, you. I have begun training for an endurance race in a months time and I have spent the last week out shooting photos to share which make me love the place I grew up. Although my life is based on the other side of the world now, I am always amazed when I return home and I'm able to smile as I look out at the Indian Ocean and admire how good we have it here in West Australia.