Waiting, for the weight of responsibility

Although being home has an amazing amount of benefits, visiting friends and family, far and wide, all around Perth and the South West of my country. It sure doesn’t come easy. I left Canada a couple of months ago riding south to Mexico and was on such a high pulling out of the driveway I didn’t look back. I had built an amazing core group of friends who were passionate and positive and really lived healthy and happily. I had forgotten about the negativity that some people surround themselves in like a blanket of despair. Once its removed, it seems like it almost never happened. I look back at my own experience only a few years ago. I was broken down, heartless , soul-less, lost passion and love for those around me. I managed to lie and deny my depression to the one person you should ALWAYS remain honest with, YOU. Myself. I no longer knew myself, I didn’t see my reflection in the mirror looking back at me. I witnessed it happen at such a slow pace, I became acclimatised to the temperature of my own mood as if the seasons changed without me realising it.

When I left mining, packed up my things, told my girlfriend at the time we were leaving the country and headed towards a new life, my intention was to set out towards Canada. I realised that there was a lot of land to cover between West Australia and British Columbia so we connected the dots and visited several other places together on our voyage to the other side of the world. I had imagined after one or two years, we would be done with Canada, and we could return to Australia, where we were both ‘happy’, and begin our family. This was not the case, I began to see cracks. Not just in our relationship , but cracks in myself, she had taught me to begin to look within and identify sadnesses I had put off since the death of my father as a young boy. Slowly those cracks pulled apart and my mind flooded with feelings I hadn’t properly thought about or let myself experience for 20 years. The outcome of all this self analysis made me begin to accept that my relationship was making me miserable. Although that was untrue, I believed it at the time. 

I flew to Belfast, Ireland. I rented a little car and spent the next week alone, driving around the countryside. She had been left in England with her family while I was gone as she had already travelled Ireland and would be good to have the time alone with the nieces and nephew. Upon my return, I had discovered how miserable I was. I knew I had to end it, but the issue was we had already discussed our futures together. After a few years together we were sure this was it. We were committed and had plans for the future when we returned to Australia. 

Hurting the person you love is the hardest thing I was ever faced with. The idea that I had to tell my partner I no longer wanted to be in a relationship and to head off in life on separate paths broke me down. I vividly recall the evening as I sat there with her in her parents house in England. She sat on the edge of the bed and I was on the carpeted floor as we discussed our plans to book flights from New York to LA or Vancouver. I had been putting it off for a couple of weeks. I sucked in a few deep breaths, she continued to talk and had caught onto some of the tension in the air since I had come back from Ireland. I felt my heart breaking inside myself, imagining our lives apart. I loved this woman, I wanted to make it work, I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy and I was blinded by misery, all I could think was that I had the relationship to blame. I broke down crying. I sobbed into her lap and she was shocked. She held me as I wept and cried looking at her face, and I told her it was over. I could not continue to live the charade, pretending I was someone I wasn’t just to fit in. You could imagine her surprise and her reaction hearing the news, it crushed me to see her sink and to hurt her. But I still believe to this day that it was the right decision. I knew we could have both pursued this relationship until we were both old and laughed about it, but right now, a few years down the track, we are both on our way to living the lives we desired. 

I know now in hindsight, that it wasn’t her fault at all, I can recognise the breakdown and where it split and fell apart. I had broken myself down over years of being together and fighting for one another, I had lost who I was. I didn’t like who I was anymore, I wasn’t me. I fought to keep up together by working away and providing us both with a lifestyle that our friends continued to live, but my priorities were so different. I denied the basic fundamentals which forged who I was as a person, ignored what I loved and lost passion for the things which I spent my time on. The huge realisation for me was that time is my most important resource. It sounds stupid to say sometimes when I talk to people, but money / finances isn’t important , if ,you spend your time wisely. Although all the basic costs to survive must be bought, there are many others which can be provided by many means, if you’re time is spent fertilising those relationships which are productive and mutually beneficial. I won’t preach about that in this blog entry, but Im sure you can appreciate that, and if not, perhaps this isn’t the kinda blog which you’ll find interesting. haha. 

Since that failed relationship, I have became intensely more self aware, I have broken myself down and rebuilt myself as a person, as a man, as a mentor. I have sought out the things I love, rediscovered who I am, and focused all my time and energy on being inspirational and to be a productive member of society by sharing the things I love. Not everyone will agree with me, or the way I choose to live my life, I know members of my family don’t. And I think thats okay, I have accepted that right now lots of people will question my decisions. I encourage those people to come and openly discuss their own happiness, and also to evaluate their lives frequently on a deeper and personal level. I have accepted change, I thrive on change and being dynamic is a huge key to my happiness and my success. I hope these words ring true with some people and that you’re able to draw from what I’ve said. Empathise, and sympathise with me as I continue to learn.

I think I have learned a lot of things recently, since returning to Australia it has been quite emotional. I left on such a huge positive surrounded by people of the like. And I’ve returned to quite a lot of personal turmoil. Some of my family are struggling and I endeavour to be there for them and to provide some motivation and help out with basic needs while I’m here, also while nurturing my own growth in a new career and industry which spans 2 continents. But my message this entry is to always look within for the love you have for yourself, don’t attach your feelings onto external sources until you don’t bullshit yourself. Honesty and love will always win.